Thoughts on death from the living

Dear Grace,

It’s been 2 years and I miss you immensely. I think I’ve come to a point where I’m rational enough to think about death ‘objectively’, and I’ve gone past the mourning stage where it always hurts when I think about you. I have a pretty decent amount of followers here, so I hope that my roller coaster of a ride pre and post death concise into 3 major learning points will help anyone who is going through it/anyone who may go through it in the future.

Longing:

There are 2 types of longing that come with death, the ‘I long for one more day that I can be with you to ______’ and the ‘ I long to be like you, in terms of _____’

1. The ‘I long for one more day that I can be with you to ______’ This is pretty natural after death and to which I’m no stranger to; I wish I had been a better friend I wish I had called you more often and visited you more often I wish I could apologise to you in person I wish I had one more day with you I wish I had closure with regards to your death it was so sudden I wasn’t ready to let you go. This kind of longing is natural but shouldn’t be harped on for too long; I have spent too much time thinking about me and what I need (Ollie today said that mourning is very self centred), but when really death is a celebration of a persons life. Instead of thinking about all of the things you could have done better, think of all the times you shared together, and the many things that you wish to celebrate, to thank whomever for having existed in your life. With that being said, I do think that a period of mourning is healthy and should be done, but remember that you are not yet dead and you still need to continue with life. This isn’t an easy thing to do, I still struggle with it now, but always remember that death has been defeated.

2. The ‘I long to be like you, in terms of ______’ My GP teacher once said that death has a very ‘halo’ effect on a person, no one remembers (or chooses to remember) all of the negative things in that persons life. You’d never hear someone going ‘He/She was a great person, kind hearted and loving, good friend, but sometimes she was a bit arrogant.’ Maybe not appropriate to do during a service or when giving a eulogy, but I like to remember Grace as a whole, not just the good parts. When I describe Grace to people I tell them that she’s a very loving girl, who cares a lot about her friends and her family, who bakes really well and who has a voice of an angel. But I also tell people that she used to annoy me a lot because she talked too much. I view her entire life as it is, her entire personality as it is, and I draw lessons from her life as a whole. How she continuously pursued friendships though people would push her away because she was too annoying. I long to be like her; I learn.

Loving: 

Within a year of Grace’s passing my grandfather died, also from cancer. It may or may not cross your mind, but for me the thought of having to lose another person I loved was too much to bear. I considered the pros and cons of loving, whether loving someone and the pain and hurt you feel when you lose the person was worth it. If anything looking at their lives inspired me to continue loving, and to love harder. On the night of Grace’s service I looked around and it was filled to the brim, some people were standing some were sitting on the floor because the chairs provided weren’t enough. I marvelled at how many people Grace had managed to touch in her short life here on Earth, how she loved each and every person in that room so much that they had to come down to pay their respects although it was a school night. I think back about the impact she had on my life, and how I would probably be a pretty different person if she hadn’t chosen to love me. It makes you think about the kind of impact you leave on someone that you love, and it makes you question how you love and why you love. The lesson I learnt from Grace in this aspect is this: love everyone, whether they are weird or your complete opposite. Everyone deserves love and Grace has dealt it out to more people than I will ever know.

Living:

It’s been 2 years since she passed on and it hasn’t been any much easier. I say this knowing that many will disagree (this whole post is my personal opinion so if you don’t like it/agree with it that’s fine), and I’ve said it many many times to many different people, but I don’t believe time heals. A very big thing that struck me was that time doesn’t slow down for anyone; the day that Grace passed away I immediately went to Timo and cried and cried and cried, and after that walking through Bishan Park back to the carpark for my mom to pick me up I noticed that everything was always as it is. People were running and kids were shouting and playing and the only thing that was different was that people were staring at the crying girl. No matter how much the death impacted you it doesn’t slow down time, and it is foolish to think otherwise. I am digressing hahaha. When I think back to when I first got the news that Grace passed away it hit me super hard, since I was initially planning to go and visit her in the hospital with Ollie after I ended school. That raw pain I felt then I still feel up till today. Some days are better than others where I walk past something that reminds me of her and I thank God for her life and for her, other days I listen to a song that reminds me of her and I feel the raw pain I felt when I heard the news. But it’s always important to remember time doesn’t slow down. I guess ultimately what I’m trying to get at in this point is that time doesn’t heal, but life goes on and you need to remember that though she is dead you are still living, and you need to be able to move on. Time doesn’t heal, but time helps you to somehow cope with it.

It is important for you to surround yourself with people who encourage you and who don’t tell you to ‘faster get over it it’s been 2 years why are you still crying’. I am grateful for my family, for Timo, and for Pris and Ollie for being with me the whole of today, and for helping me to celebrate her life. If all else fails, I take heart in knowing she’s in a better place and that one day I will join her.

I miss you Grace, and I love you

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drift

Finally back on here hahaha not going to blog about my weeks and stuff since I’ve just been working day in and day out. Back to my emo post styles sorry not sorry I don’t blog for you.

Wrt issues with all of you I really don’t know what to do/say. Have talked to jx about this and he’s promised to find out why but I’m pretty scared to know why hahaha. If your aim was to make me feel like a stranger then great job you’ve done it are you happy now?? Don’t know what I’ve ever done to any of you but seeing you guys day in and day out and having to act like all the (unnecessarily) coldness doesn’t affect me is draining; really thought I could not care about this but I guess I can’t hahaha. Wish I had the courage to just go up and ask what I’ve done and what I can do to fix it, but I guess that isn’t what you’re wiling to do is it if not you’d have already done it. Do not understand my gender at all.

You haven’t found anyone you can cherish??? Hurts more than you know hahaha always sucks to think that your feelings are being reciprocated and then realise it isn’t. Then a week after you said that you’ve finally found friends that you can cherish and I guess I’m not one of them WOW thanks hahahaha whatever. Thought after the whole incident w the couple that you’d be more sensitive with your friendships but I guess I was wrong to assume so. At least I still have the threesome to get me through everyday; eternally grateful for them.

Bea texted me during sermon today and I hate how I still care so much about this group of people. Realised that I gave up praying for them because I was discouraged and sick of lack of responses. Slowly trying again, but definitely not for my benefit this time.

Don’t understand why you have so little trust in me hahaha. If you didn’t believe me then why say you do??? Have always been told (by you two and by others) that the worst thing you can do is to let academics define you but oh look now what’s happening ????? Constantly discouraged by your ‘jokes’ and your lack of faith in me how do you expect me to continue going then?? I know that I need to talk to you guys about this but I feel infinitely tired and drained everyday I don’t have the strength to argue with you guys anymore hahaha. Ridiculous expectations you cannot impose your expectations on me we are not the same people so you cannot expect the same from me. May be the most academically inclined one so all the more you should leave me to my studies or at least trust me with it.

32 months and what is there to show for it. Feel like in many things we are drifting apart maybe it’s just hormones talking but idk what to do about this

Start

Hellooooooooo!

It’s currently 1220am and I have 2 tests tomorrow and tomorrow is hell day (3 hours of chem 2 hours of math 1.5 hours of physics) but I am still here because I feel a lot of things have happened recently and I wanna blog about it heh. I am currently facing a lot of pressure to update my blog with quality things after Ms Sum (GP teacher) went to XiaXue and BongQiuQius blog and judged them so badly because of superficiality BUT I’m still going to blog about my weeks LOL sorry cher.

The oldest photos on my phone are of Valentines Day so I’ll start with that heh. 13th Feb was my schools Valentines Day and I wanted to keep to Cedar tradition (which was to give gifts/sweets/chocolates/letters) so I didn’t do much work the night before (oops) and started writing letters to people who I wanted to bless. Letter writing is incredibly tiring but incredibly fulfilling as well, I think I’m going to start writing letters more often to people (note to self: reply moses). Went to school the next day and gave out the things I prepared; overused cliche but it’s a cliche for a reason, it is much better to give than to receive. To those who got my letters I hope you were blessed heh.

THE ACTUAL VALENTINES DAY I have to blog about this in case many years down the road I forget about it like how we forgot about last years (although I doubt I will ever forget about it). Purposely went to go buy a dress for this occasion (thx prisla) and I’m glad I did because it was such a small gesture compared to everything you did. The huge bouquet of flowers and the home cooked food and the beautiful location and the planning of it all made me spazz (internally and externally) many many times. But above all the fact that you put in effort to love me in a way I feel the most, for putting aside your own embarrassments/judgements to do this for me, for loving me with so much and so selflessly, I am truly the luckiest girl in the world 🙂

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CNY Performance! The whole journey was just a roller coaster and it was just pretty sucky in general haha. Grateful for the two true friends in dance for dragging me through this entire journey, I wouldn’t have made it without you two so all my gratitude and all my hats are off to you two 🙂 Made amends for the final time after trying, in this aspect I have let go and accepted that it is what it is. Felt 10 times better after writing the letter and after giving it to you, felt like though there were many things in the entire dance journey that I regret doing (e.g making your life pretty shitty), I could leave with a clean slate and an un-guilty conscience (don’t get me wrong this isn’t why I wrote the letter haha).

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CNY itself was pretty fun first time actually visiting a house (LOL don’t judge me and my sheltered life) and the annual steamboat with the 97s~ Won’t go into detail since nothing really eventful happened, but it’s nice to remember tradition.

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Watched the seniors get their results the other day and I felt so so nervous for them when they went up to take their results haha. Felt a lot of pressure and stress on me to do well for next year so that I can get into the courses I want. Am planning my work day by day and actually doing revision now, I really hope I don’t burn out hahaha. Also trying to learn to enjoy what I am learning, but that is proving harder than expected.

Re: issues of the class I really can’t be bothered anymore I’m just going through everyday talking to people who talk to me hahaha. I think at some point I need to go and talk to you about the difference in the way I treat you now, but I will save that for another day when this class issue truly no longer bothers me because if not I’m just going to explode which isn’t good hahaha.

After the whole dance thing I’ve been thinking about the subconscious grudges I’ve been holding on to, it’s definitely toxic now that I see it from another perspective. Really want to learn to let go, and I will do my best to try, and to get people to be accountable for me.

Life is getting increasingly busier though dance has significantly lessened, but with daily tests and tutorials to complete I’m left feeling super tired whenever I get back. Time to go back to the root of my strength and I hope that true this renewed need to turn to the One who will help me through that it won’t be fleeting.

Been listening to a lot of country-ish music recently and this is one of my favourites heh.

 

drained

Hey wordpress!!

A short one because I’m pretty tired and I have a few issues I want to talk about (though not in detail) so I don’t want to force myself to write more than I can~

OPEN HOUSE! Open house prep itself was ridiculous hahaha more on this later but at least it was a fairly decent time~ Performed in the morning and my fav churchies came down to support me BUT WE STARTED EARLY so they missed it hahaha I felt so bad because none of them were really considering coming to NY so they really just came for me. Thankful for a supportive bunch of friends who inspire me to live out the edifying corporate life. Walked around the school instead of doing duty (in my defence there were so many people there!!) with jx and had a lot of fun completing one minute challenges and talking about anything and everything. Performed again then had a nice long talk and lepak session with qing wei and managed to dance by myself in the MPR felt so good to express myself with dance, many times while learning steps I forget that dance is also an outlet; felt 10 times better after that even though it was so short and I was attempting (and failing) at contemp.

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Josh’s concert at night nothing else to say apart from I’m incredibly proud of this talented guy and I can’t wait to record with him heehee

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Spending increasing amount of time with josh joel and timo and I am incredibly grateful and blessed to have such good friends

ORD PARADE!!!!! So so so so so proud of him heh and I’m incredibly glad that although there were a few downs in this period army was generally vvv smooth for the two of us ❤ Learnt a lot about what is love and how to love through this tough chapter, for that I’m incredibly grateful.

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Pretty shitty grades despite (sort of) studying for it; majorly disappointed at myself but I need to constantly remind myself that grades do not define me and they are not measures of my self-worth.

I just wished that you guys would have had enough sense to talk to us before making such a drastic and sudden change. I would have thought that an entire year of friendship would have meant enough to you that you would have talked it over with us first. That being said my parents are right and there is nothing that I can/should do to hold you guys back. Above all I’m just upset that their leaving had to be so drastic/dramatic, don’t think we will ever reach a point that a transferral of sorts doesn’t have to be viewed as a transferral. One more year and we’ll see how things turn out and if they work out then they do but I’ve tried and I will continue to put in effort but if it doesn’t it isn’t my fault and I shouldn’t blame myself.

Inefficiency is the number one thing I cannot stand seriously and the fact that everything is always so inefficient makes me so so so pissed off. Step in get scolded don’t step in also get scolded idek. Hypocrisy and ass-kissing on the highest level I thought there was some progress but stupid decisions and inefficiency just reset everything hahaha. So upset that I have to end everything on this note, maybe it’s past horrific experience that has made me so adverse to this style hahaha. Not like I don’t try but it’s really a mental struggle to even execute the steps in the first place let alone to do it properly. Whatever after ranting about it to 2 people I’m just going to take a back seat and do whatever you tell me, one more week and it’ll all be over anyway so just be as inefficient as you want~ And if you feel stressed/feel like breaking down that’s understandable but don’t point fingers because after all you’re the one who accepted the job in the first place. I know I’ve said this before but this time I’m really 100% done I’ve thrown in the towel and I’ll just wait fervently for the end. Despite my love for dance, this was definitely my biggest regret in NY.

Shameless self promotion!!

 

 

Revisit

Finally updating this space after 1000 years haha oops.

Sydney trip was nothing short of amazing haha was v much looking forward to going and I’m so glad it didn’t disappoint (even the weather held up for us!!) Tried to take nicer shots this time instead of the usual touristy/selfie kinda shots and I’m really really pleased at how they turned out heh. It was truly exciting because it felt like I was viewing things in a completely new perspective like I was seeing the world again for the first time haha such rare precious moments~~

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Came back and immediately rushed camp stuff. If anything this camp was a lot more of a service camp than anything, but still good anyways! Was v apprehensive before camp because of everything I heard about it/my own impressions/the choices that I questioned, but ultimately I guess all that matters was that the campers experienced God in their own way and that the camp atmosphere facilitated it, so it turned out good! (This is how you tell when you’re getting older)

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Christmas! Jesus is the reason for the season and it was very nice to be surrounded by people who constantly remind me so.

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Spent the remainder of that week holed up at home/in church rushing all the work that I didn’t do in November/early December. In the process of doing so I started questioning whether I had made full use of my holiday, don’t have a definite answer but I’m definitely glad to have had the first few weeks to actually rest instead of doing work~

2014 has been one heck of a year, and it’s been far from easy, but these people made it so much more bearable, so josh jav timo and joel if you read this, thank you for being in my life.

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NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS!!! Was debating with myself on whether or not to do this after failing time and time again to complete them, but it’s always good to have a goal and to have something to work for so I thought I’d do it anyway.

1. BE HEALTHIER. With A’s this year I doubt I’ll have much scheduled time to exercise (PE in school), and dance will step down after all the performances, so I need to maintain my fitness level (hahahahahaha I mean build up)!! Have decided to go back to one of my favourite sports so here’s hoping I swim at least twice a month!! Probably will do so on Saturday mornings between piano and church so it’ll be a good wake up call heh.

2. WORK HARD PLAY HARD. A’s this year and I really really don’t wanna screw up, especially since I’m aiming for courses that need straight As! Don’t procrastinate, but do everything in moderation and take breaks and stuff. STOP WATCHING SO MANY SHOWS limiting myself to maximum 40 minutes a day (which is either 1/2 episodes so different from my previous 10 episodes a day ahahaha) so hopefully I will have more time to work and play!

3. SLEEP EARLIER. Latest 1230 and stop being late for lessons ahhhhhhhhhhhh especially now that there are morning lessons hahaha.

4. BE MORE INTENTIONAL WITH MY FRIENDSHIPS. Even if that means cutting down on some time spent watching shows/play time/swimming (ahahaha) I want to be more intentional with my friendships. Reflecting on the past year made me realise how bad a friend I am and how it’s always other people checking up on me first instead of the other way round and also how I just forget to reply some people~ Lost a lot of people in the past few years and I fully intend to kickstart some of them again, even if it means less time spent with other people.

5. THE BATCH. This is kind of kickstarting friendships but I decided to put it as a whole other resolution haha. Not just hanging out with the batch again but also getting over things in the past and choosing to love no matter what.

This year is no doubt going to be tiring, but I know with God and with everyone around me that I will make it through. I think this years theme for myself is choosing to love; choosing to love God in the way I live my life, choosing to love myself in the way I take care of my health, choosing to love others through my actions. Bring it on 2015.

Done

Hi everyone!!

I haven’t blogged in almost a month omg hahaha wow sorry @all there readers I see you hahaha (who is viewing my blog from taiwan and russia???) LET”S GO. It might be quite short though because I have a feeling I’ll be quite cryptic and also I am late to go to anais’s house but I just felt like blogging so~

After OP ended we still had lesson and I missed almost all of them because of EXTREMELY VALID reasons 🙂 Went back to school on the 13th ESPECIALLY for this burden girl who has the same wallet as me now~ (13th was also coincidentally the day for #stopyouthgaming2014 HAHA I can’t seem to escape PW)

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After school stopped I really haven’t been doing much haha besides lazing around~ Thinking back now I literally can’t recall anything I did HAHA. First week of holidays started and I spent 6/7 days of the week with my fav :)) Be it chilling in his house with joel/having simple meals/walking around it was a vvvv nice time and I was immensely happy after that 1 week so tq :)) also idk why my laptop has some problem so my photos from this week are not in my laptop???

Speaking of laptop problems I went to plaza sing 4/7 times in 1 WEEK for my laptop haha first it couldn’t switch on because of some short circuiting because apparently I am not supposed to charge anything with my laptop haha okay oops. Went back again for some software issue SO I HAD TO RESET MY ENTIRE LAPTOP major cry because literally all my stuff disappeared. Thank goodness this happened after PW though I would just cry if I lost all my documents during PW period. Was only truly sad because all my photos were gone because I always kept deleting photos off my phone so that I had more space for apps and stuff haha oh well at least most of them were recoverable somehow but now idk where they went so~ Got to restart building my iTunes and am currently using brothers old phone as an iPod so I am very happy because now I don’t have to delete photos off my phone and I can stop skipping songs while listening because I was too lazy to delete them ^^

Went for SL project over the weekend and it was nothing short of rewarding :)) Won’t post too much about it for privacy purposes but I want to be reminded of how much I learnt from it next time when I am old and scrolling through my old blog posts heh

Started doing work yesterday after 2 weeks of slacking and I must say that it is actually a very very good feeling to be using my brain again haha integration is shit but at least I finished the tutorial having not listened to a single lecture for this topic!!!

I really do think I’m absolutely done with dance hahaha snapchatted Brian during one of the dance sessions and I told him I was v sian and he told me to quit and I was seriously contemplating it for a while BUT being CCA-less really isn’t a good thing and I do really love dancing. I don’t understand why everything I do is wrong though and whatever things I say/things I do or don’t say or don’t do I get chastised??? Absolutely done now I’m just going to be passive and after a while you can’t really pick fault with a passive person can you??? Idk la but if any of you are reading this (idek if you do) just know that I’m done and you can come talk to me about it if you want but nothing you say can make me change my mind haha.

That’s it for today I guessssss time to go stay over at anais’s place with the badminton team heheheh I miss having a good supportive team SO MUCH can’t wait to go!!!!!!

Also major pet peeve for now is when people write and sound SO PRETENTIOUS like they try and use big words with absolutely no context??? Stop being so fake urgh

 

Stop(ped)

Hey!

Wow it’s been so long since I updated I legit had to go and read my previous blog post to remember what happened the last time I blogged hahaha. It’s been pretty free the past month which is probably why I haven’t been blogging; because I have been too lazy what with all the shows to watch and going out and PW~ No more excuses let’s goooo (literally scrolling through my phone photos to remember what has happened LOL)

O Levels started like 2 weeks ago so 3 weeks ago I went to pay athalia a visit in church with some Starbucks! If you are reading this babe all the best for the remaining papers!!!! I think knowing someone’s love language and doing things in line with that as opposed to doing other things outside of their love language is a lot better so I am slowly trying to figure out people’s love languages~

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GRADUATION!! J2s graduated and it wasn’t really significant though because there aren’t (m)any seniors that I’m close to~ Made me miss Cedar a lot though, thinking about last years graduation and also thinking of all the traditions that came with it like letter writing and gift giving as opposed to the nothing here~

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Dance started again!!!! Was very excited to finally be using a proper studio and to be learning new choreo and definitely wasn’t disappointed~ Hadn’t exercised in eons but it was still good; I think dance is one of my favourite forms of exercise because it’s one of the only ones that get me tired without me thinking about being tired, and you can’t just stop dancing when you are tired you need to finish the choreo of the whole song heh. Weekly lunches with Hazell have been good too, am very very thankful to at least have a friend in dance that makes it less unbearable~

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Meet the parents HAHAHA it was very awkward for me because I am naturally awkward but it was also very nice am very glad to finally start this, makes it feel like we are progressing (not that I didn’t feel that we were progressing just that this feels more real now idk am I even making sense). Spent the entire next day w you too can’t think of any other way I’d like to spend my day heh

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OP OVER!!!!!! I can’t believe PW is already over that means this year is coming to an end really really soon and it feels unreal haha I still remember sitting in the lecture when I first heard about PW and taking eons to start my first draft of my PI~ This journey has been the furthest thing from smooth (at least for me), and has been an extremely extremely tiring time, but at least I made it and I didn’t give up which is what I normally would have done so props to me for finally having matured!! After tanking everything idk I (expected?) hoped for acknowledgement for all the things that I’ve done for the group (and if I’m being completely honest it is more than all in the group) but I was disappointed (what is new). I will get over it la but still after having put in so much effort it kinda sucks to not be appreciated for your work. This is life just suck it up ahaha

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Walked freaking 8km this morning for walk for rice haha it was just very sian because we were all complaining about walking and the sun and everything the entire way so the walk felt longer than it was hahaha.

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What is the point of putting in so much effort in something for one entire year for it just to fail miserably time after time. Have tried the entire year (albeit not always with my 100%) to get everyone to get along with each other but here we are almost one year later with progress but exclusive progress. I am absolutely done trying it’s not like any of you make a difference to my school life and if you want it to continue being that way then so be it.

Everyone has their limit and I have reached mine. I know what I said and it sucks not to be able to keep my word but this is too much I can’t do this.