Conflicting

Hi readers 🙂

I’m surprised I am not yet sick and tired of a blank page and nothing but words for me to fill in ahaha. But I’m waiting for replies so that I can finish up my WR, so why not blog! (Since I kinda promised someone I’d blog tonight ahaha). Let’s goooooo 🙂

This past few weeks have been a few hecks of a week, what with so much stress and so much pressure that I put on myself to do well. Promos just ended and I can confidently say that I haven’t done well for a single paper (except maybe GP). Exam time always makes me reevaluate everything that I have been working (so hard) for, what my purpose in studying is. Always making me wonder why I place so much of my pride and my self-worth in my academics although I know both in head and in heart that this is not a path worth taking/a mindset worth keeping/something that will amount to anything one day. I think with this more negative and ‘purposeless’ mindset of studying I become very lazy (complacent), and tell myself that I really don’t need to study that hard. Until of course it comes time to actually do the exams and get back the results, then I feel all moody and dejected although I told myself it is not a reflection of my worth~

Right after promos into an emotional wreck of a situation. It was probably still me being insanely irrational that made me hesitate, but I know I made the right choice, and I am grateful that you are trying. Thankful for the brother for sound wisdom. Sound because I can hear it. That’s what sound is isn’t. Something I can hear. (He typed that). Thankful for the brother for picking me up and the mother and the father for comforting me and for cooking for me heh. I am incredibly incredibly grateful for family.

Went to ikea for dinner on friday w nutsackz and that was a lot of fun heh. More and more as I spend time with this group of people I realise how different we are~ (Like if I had not gone to Nanyang and met these group of people I’d never be pushing people around in trolleys and being pushed around in ikea). Everytime I talk to the mother I am once again appalled at the culture difference. I think it’s high time to take a step back from everything and realise who I have become with regards to this, in my actions and my words, and so I am grateful for the upcoming break from everything.

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Went to settlers when promos really ended to play some board games and work our minds with munchkin and cluedo heheh. It really was a fun day of backstabbing each other, randomly guessing cases, and screaming and laughing at everything. That was really fun. Headed to Just Acia for dinner, and it wasn’t that good but whatever heh~

Class outing the next day!! I was so so so scared that it would turn out badly because of our lack of planning/lack of attendance, but I was pleasantly surprised when 19/25 of the class went. Played pengzs stupid game for about an hour haha and I’m glad so many people enjoyed it (I like you quite a bit btw pengz if you ever read this). Decided to break out of nutsackz and hang around with the 5 (only 3 went though so 3) guys and played some card games heheh. It was quite fun~ Entire class activities after that were quite boring though, and I could tell everyone was breaking up into their own groups again/feeling very awkward/sian. It was quite discouraging to see though, after one whole year of seeing the class like this (partially my fault since I didn’t really make an effort to do anything since I was so comfortable in nutsackz), I was hoping for more interaction between everyone haha. Went home feeling kinda bad that I may have ruined people’s one day of holiday before PW intensive started, but was so so blessed to see people’s insta captions like ‘This is my class #1423’ or ‘Had a good day with the class :)’ or ‘YAY First class outing!!’.

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Pw intensive has started and I think that it really is a test of character. I am bound to meet people like this in the outside world, so I guess it is a good thing that we are exposed to it now. It isn’t in a very smart way though, in my opinion, but whatever haha. Finding it incredibly difficult to control my anger though, so many things I think is common sense/don’t understand why you can’t do/know that you can do just that you don’t want to do, it really is driving me up the wall. It is so difficult to work with non like-minded people, and with people who ultimately don’t share your end goal. One more month to endure and it’ll all be over!!!!!! I really don’t know if things will be different after this (especially if I really do lose my temper really badly one day), but for now I am just eagerly anticipating it’s end. Am extremely thankful for Cheryl, Pengz and JX for listening to my ceaseless rants and helping me out/cheering me up to the best of their abilities 🙂

Back to service tomorrow after a long break. Most of this break I didn’t use for much good, but I really do feel like I’m ready to step up again. I don’t know what took me so long to realise but I realise that it truly is impossible to do anything without God, I wouldn’t even be here without Him, so who am I to say any less about Him. This time I am serving out of an outpour of gratitude, of thankfulness and of obedience, and I am thoroughly excited at what will happen and how I will grow.

Back to PW now sigh 😦

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