Conflicting

Hi readers 🙂

I’m surprised I am not yet sick and tired of a blank page and nothing but words for me to fill in ahaha. But I’m waiting for replies so that I can finish up my WR, so why not blog! (Since I kinda promised someone I’d blog tonight ahaha). Let’s goooooo 🙂

This past few weeks have been a few hecks of a week, what with so much stress and so much pressure that I put on myself to do well. Promos just ended and I can confidently say that I haven’t done well for a single paper (except maybe GP). Exam time always makes me reevaluate everything that I have been working (so hard) for, what my purpose in studying is. Always making me wonder why I place so much of my pride and my self-worth in my academics although I know both in head and in heart that this is not a path worth taking/a mindset worth keeping/something that will amount to anything one day. I think with this more negative and ‘purposeless’ mindset of studying I become very lazy (complacent), and tell myself that I really don’t need to study that hard. Until of course it comes time to actually do the exams and get back the results, then I feel all moody and dejected although I told myself it is not a reflection of my worth~

Right after promos into an emotional wreck of a situation. It was probably still me being insanely irrational that made me hesitate, but I know I made the right choice, and I am grateful that you are trying. Thankful for the brother for sound wisdom. Sound because I can hear it. That’s what sound is isn’t. Something I can hear. (He typed that). Thankful for the brother for picking me up and the mother and the father for comforting me and for cooking for me heh. I am incredibly incredibly grateful for family.

Went to ikea for dinner on friday w nutsackz and that was a lot of fun heh. More and more as I spend time with this group of people I realise how different we are~ (Like if I had not gone to Nanyang and met these group of people I’d never be pushing people around in trolleys and being pushed around in ikea). Everytime I talk to the mother I am once again appalled at the culture difference. I think it’s high time to take a step back from everything and realise who I have become with regards to this, in my actions and my words, and so I am grateful for the upcoming break from everything.

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Went to settlers when promos really ended to play some board games and work our minds with munchkin and cluedo heheh. It really was a fun day of backstabbing each other, randomly guessing cases, and screaming and laughing at everything. That was really fun. Headed to Just Acia for dinner, and it wasn’t that good but whatever heh~

Class outing the next day!! I was so so so scared that it would turn out badly because of our lack of planning/lack of attendance, but I was pleasantly surprised when 19/25 of the class went. Played pengzs stupid game for about an hour haha and I’m glad so many people enjoyed it (I like you quite a bit btw pengz if you ever read this). Decided to break out of nutsackz and hang around with the 5 (only 3 went though so 3) guys and played some card games heheh. It was quite fun~ Entire class activities after that were quite boring though, and I could tell everyone was breaking up into their own groups again/feeling very awkward/sian. It was quite discouraging to see though, after one whole year of seeing the class like this (partially my fault since I didn’t really make an effort to do anything since I was so comfortable in nutsackz), I was hoping for more interaction between everyone haha. Went home feeling kinda bad that I may have ruined people’s one day of holiday before PW intensive started, but was so so blessed to see people’s insta captions like ‘This is my class #1423’ or ‘Had a good day with the class :)’ or ‘YAY First class outing!!’.

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Pw intensive has started and I think that it really is a test of character. I am bound to meet people like this in the outside world, so I guess it is a good thing that we are exposed to it now. It isn’t in a very smart way though, in my opinion, but whatever haha. Finding it incredibly difficult to control my anger though, so many things I think is common sense/don’t understand why you can’t do/know that you can do just that you don’t want to do, it really is driving me up the wall. It is so difficult to work with non like-minded people, and with people who ultimately don’t share your end goal. One more month to endure and it’ll all be over!!!!!! I really don’t know if things will be different after this (especially if I really do lose my temper really badly one day), but for now I am just eagerly anticipating it’s end. Am extremely thankful for Cheryl, Pengz and JX for listening to my ceaseless rants and helping me out/cheering me up to the best of their abilities 🙂

Back to service tomorrow after a long break. Most of this break I didn’t use for much good, but I really do feel like I’m ready to step up again. I don’t know what took me so long to realise but I realise that it truly is impossible to do anything without God, I wouldn’t even be here without Him, so who am I to say any less about Him. This time I am serving out of an outpour of gratitude, of thankfulness and of obedience, and I am thoroughly excited at what will happen and how I will grow.

Back to PW now sigh 😦

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OLLIE

HI OLLIE!!!!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU ☺️ I thought 13 years of friendship deserved a blog post so here ya go!!! I rly just wanted to thank you for being a blessing the past 13 years, and what better way than to share it w whoever my blog readers may be 😊 there are rly just 3 main things that I would like to thank ya for so here we go~~

Firstly, I’d rly like to thank you for being such a constant in my life. Thanks for always having my back through the 13 years, and for always being such a reassuring pillar in my life. Despite all the many many changes that have happened/will continue to happen, I know that you will always be there for me, and that means way way more than you could ever know. Thanks for always being there if/when I need you, and for this everlasting friendship 🎉

Secondly, I’d like to thank you for just you being you, by which we can not see each other for several months yet be able to pick up where we last left of. Thanks for always being such a level headed person to my emotional spells, and for always knowing what to say/when to say it/how to say it. You’ve known me the longest and possibly the best (someone may have beaten you tho sorry ;)) and that means you know how to comfort me in the best way. So thank you for you, and thank you for everything that comes with that.

Finally, I’d like to thank you for your continuous support, shoulder and ear during the whole Grace period. I understand that it wasn’t (at all) easy for you, but yet you’d listen to me as I whined and complained and mourned, and you were supporting me and being my pillar of support when you yourself were trying to find support. Thanks for the lunch and all the roof top talks and the messages that have helped me to accept things more and see things in a greater perspective; thanks for anchoring me in Christ when doubts surface. Couldn’t have done it without ya!

As you grow one year older I pray that your love relationship w God will grow exponentially!!!! I also hope to see ya at frontline more often ehhh 😏 I pray that the answers to your doubts and questions would be sufficiently answered, and that you would be in a process of continuous growing! I pray for good health upon you and your family, and for you to excel in all your aspirations! And for you to find joy, hope, peace and strength in our big big God.

Love you long time bestie, am forever grateful for you. HAPPY BIRTHDAY 🎉🎉

Breaking point

You can’t be strong all the time for everyone around you

Today I’m supposed to celebrate your life and I tried I really did but it’s so difficult to be okay with everything because there is so much regret about not being big enough a part in your life.

It’s probably kind of selfish to say but I just hoped I could have something/someone help me take my mind off of it completely guess you don’t always get what you wish for. Absolutely miserable night

Tangibility

HI WORDPRESS.

I’m finally back blogging after saying for the past week that I was gonna blog hahaha. Oops. If you are new to my wordpress (where have you been) then you should know that I will blog about my week(s) in the first few para  followed by many photos and then talk very vaguely about issues that have been bugging me and a final note probably promoting myself, so read whatever you want~~ (I’m so structured in the way I blog I don’t even notice it HAHA but oh well structure is good if it is a good structure!)

The past few weeks have been really rough, what with dance concert and the whole being sick thing, and all the tutorials and deadlines piling up as all the teachers rush to finish everything before the holidays. It’s been stressful no doubt, and all sorts of tiring, but it is over now and there is no point in dwelling over things of the past~ Went back to cedar on thursday for 15 minutes because they wanted to lock up the whole school because the teachers were going to USS and then met CGBT heh. Despite the short time I spent with them it was good it’s always good with them haha although sometimes they talk about their school things and I just sit there stoning. Spent the rest of the day w anais studying it was like old times haha I rly do miss her a lot her whole presence and how she’d always be there for me although we rarely even express sentiments of gratitude or love to each other haha~~ Headed to the beach on friday with #teamnutsackz and it was a full day of fun; may not agree with many things that they do but I’m still immensely grateful for their presence.

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Holidays just started but I’m pretty sure this isn’t even going to be a holiday what with less than 30 days to promos and the fact that I am GROSSLY UNPREPARED yet SO INCREDIBLY COMPLACENT I really need to buck up hahaha. I think every time it comes to the holidays I always blog the same thing: I hate how holidays have to be about doing things about doing work about being productive, academically or in the work force or whatever. I think we are so used to a culture of doing things and rushing things it’s easy to forget how to just relax with a good book or enjoying nature or something, not having to do anything productive per se, but something that just calms you down and makes you feel a kind of rested-ness that you find no amount of sleep can guarantee. With that being said, I just slacked the entire day away after sleeping half of it away ALL IN THE NAME OF RESTING (excuses). Am currently sitting in my kitchen with my laptop playing nice calming music and drinking some mushroom soup and I haven’t felt so relaxed in such a long time. Here’s to not having to conform to whatever Singapore’s education system makes you do, but doing things that make you feel happy~ (without recklessness of course)

I think the mark of a true leader is being able to make sound decisions that are best for whoever they are leading while being able to filter comments made by other parties that may not know everything. With that being said, I still don’t see any of you as leaders, and it disgusts me how much ranking and looking good matters to you; I honestly don’t see how that can blind you so much to see the mess that you guys are creating~ Was really genuinely contemplating quitting, being faulted for everything that you do/don’t do isn’t a fun experience at all, and it makes the overall experience bad too. If I ever dislike dance in my life, I will know who to ‘blame’ it on.

Showing gratitude comes in so many different forms and the fact that this seems to be the only form that you accept (mainly because it’s tangible) is quite disgusting to me. You’re still one of my favourites of course but my impression of you has gone down considerably. Okay I thought I had a lot to say about this but I don’t haha~ (Only accepting things and understanding things because they are tangible wowwww okay steph what a hypocrite flaming people for this ahahaha)

OKAY THE SELF PROMOTION HAS COME I just recorded a new cover which you can (should) check out here https://soundcloud.com/stephanie-soh/lego-housenot-over-you I think it’s not tooooo bad HEH CHECK IT OUT LIKE IT REPOST IT BLAH BLAH heheheh. Till next time 🙂

Caught between a rock and a hard place

Hello haha.

Wow it’s been awhile. I apologise if this blog post doesn’t make much sense because I am both sick and frustrated so I may be incredibly incoherent haha. But a promise is a promise 😉

Recently I’ve been increasingly finding myself thrown into moral grey areas, where it is v difficult to see a clear distinction between what is right and what is wrong,  or situations where either option would land me some serious consequences I’m not prepared to face. Have been struggling with myself on many of these issues lately, especially the one that happened yesterday hahaha sigh up till now still am not content with what I chose to do but I know had I chosen to do something else I’d regret it just as much, just in a different aspect. It’s been challenging me a lot lately, making me think of what I stand for and who I really am, in the process finding out more new things about myself, which I may not particularly like haha. Situations are true tests of the kind of person you are, (which to me is one of the only things that count), and I am failing pretty badly I think haha sigh. Being in this culture has subconsciously changed the way I think about things/the decisions I would have made, and not for the better either. Words cannot describe how much I wish I could get out of this place, but I have a feeling the working world wouldn’t be that much better either MAXIMUM LEVEL OF SIGH why can’t I just be a child forever.

Just because you’re put into a position of authority doesn’t mean you’ve automatically gained the respect of other people. A leader is one who is always constructive and never destructive, and one that commands respect from all the other people because of their attitude/the way they do things/the way they say things (and to an extent the things that they say). In all aspects, I don’t consider any of you to be true leaders because in no way have you commanded my respect in all these aspects. I honestly don’t even know how you guys got the positions hahaha but I’m just saying (if any of you read this) that ya’ll are gonna have to try 100000 times to gain the respect of your people before anyone actually follows you willingly, because I sure as heck am not going to because I have  no respect for you guys.

Bad start to the morning, sick and tired, chem spa, math lecture test, a full day and brain that is constantly trying to rationalise the choices I have made, today was probably one of the worst days in my whole JC life thus far hahaha. Whatever it is, thanks for being around me and listening to me today heh although my form of affection is by hitting you, thanks for tolerating me today joon shoon 🙂

What goes up must come down

Hello!!

I am finally back blogging properly after what seems like a thousand years haha.This post is gonna get sad towards the end so if you don’t feel like being sad/listening to my ranting then just read the first part and be happy 🙂

I (finally) turned 17!!!! Felt especially especially loved bcuz of all the nice things that people did for me heh. Thank you all for being a part of my life and for positively impacting me one way or another; I truly wouldn’t be here and wouldn’t be how I am without all of you shaping me and inspiring me.

To Chuah for the lunch treat and Joel for the supper treat and the presents, thank you both for jioing me I rly am q horrible at friendships and the only time I actually properly speak to both of you is when ya’ll bother to text me first and ask about me, so thank you for making me feel important in your lives.

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To Javier for being such a constant in my life, thank you for always going over the top (in a good way) when you celebrate my birthday, you truly make me feel special bcuz of all the time you invest into making the day great. Thank you for coming by my house at midnight and sneaking into my house, for the song and the board and the card and the video. Words cannot describe how grateful I am for you.

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To Choong and Ambrose, thank you for being 2 (out of 3) of the people that I can count on the most in Nanyang. Thanks for being my first 2 true friends and for making me feel like every time I talk to the both of you it’s a safe space. Thanks for all the times you’ve stood by me and cared for me. School would be a thousand times worse without the two of you. Thanks Choong for the toy and the card and the chocolates too! And for both of you for sacrificing your sleep to come to my house early in the morning.

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To nutsackz (and jun xun) for the flowers, the dreamcatcher, the cake smashing, the box and the reese. I honestly don’t know if the only reason you got me all that was because I kept shamelessly hinting that it was my birthday, but I’m grateful anyway. (If I hadn’t said anything would ya’ll still have gotten me all that probably not right hahaha oh well).

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To Brian, I truly didn’t expect anything from you haha so I’m especially grateful that you went out to buy me a cupcake and took time to record a video for me. An old photo bcuz you gave me my present while I was in class so no time haha.

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To Timo, you know how much you mean to me. Thank you for your Reese and your letter and the buffet. It was perfect for me because I know that’s how you love.

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To CGBT, although ya’ll probably forgot about my birthday (again only remembered bcuz of my hints hahaha) thanks for the dinner. It was awkward at times bcuz of how we have grown apart, but ya’ll have been and will always be a big part of my life and a big part of why I am who I am today. Especially thanks to xin hui for the card heh. You know how much you mean to me and how much I love ya although I don’t say it bcuz it’s so weird but thank you.

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Thank you to all the other people who wished me as well. I should feel loved and blessed and all I know I should and to a certain degree I do, but if I could do my birthday all over again this year, I don’t think I would tell anyone when my birthday was, to truly see how many people cared enough for me to wish me, and I’m pretty sure out of all the people I’ve thanked in this blogpost and the other people who wished me over text/twitter, half of these people wouldn’t have known. Sorry for souring so cynical and such, tonight isn’t a good night for me, and I guess I’m trying to really learn who is there for me, or rather who I want to be there for me and who is willing to be there for me as well.

6 months here already and I still don’t even feel like part of the school/like it is a place I would like. With all the flaws that Cedar has, I still managed to find something/someone worth staying there for/that made things bearable for me. Maybe it’s because I’ve always had a negative mindset from the start, but it seems like I truly can’t find anything that I can say I’m proud of or that I love in here. Maybe it was for the best that I wasn’t part of dance exco and clexco, and maybe I won’t be an ogl either; I just want to get out of here as soon as possible and try and rid myself of memories in this place. Not the friends made but simply being in the school itself (and if I were to be completely honest then some of the people here also). This time am really honestly feeling the dread of going to school, 1.5 more years and I will be out of here for good, am alr counting down the days, can’t wait to get out.

Thought we had put all of this petty fighting behind us long ago. It’s not anyone’s fault and definitely not my fault that you have trust/self-esteem issues, and I definitely haven’t done anything to aggravate you, so you have absolutely no valid reason for the way you’ve treated me (both in the past and present). I’m done with you though, completely done. I truly honestly don’t care about you anymore. I once thought that if you shared something special with a person no matter how long you haven’t talked or how bad the terms you left each other on you’d still somewhat care for the person, but I guess I was wrong. When someone has wronged you long enough to make you feel bitter I guess you only ‘care’ about the person because you use the person as a judgment to measure your life against and you hope that you are always doing better than the other person. I’m done though. Guess I’m going to have to be the bigger man again (what’s new). We shared some good memories, we had good fun, but I’m completely done with you and nothing you can say or do will make me change my mind. Maybe you’ll read this and cue your eye rolling again but I can’t be bothered with you anymore.