What goes up must come down

Hello!!

I am finally back blogging properly after what seems like a thousand years haha.This post is gonna get sad towards the end so if you don’t feel like being sad/listening to my ranting then just read the first part and be happy 🙂

I (finally) turned 17!!!! Felt especially especially loved bcuz of all the nice things that people did for me heh. Thank you all for being a part of my life and for positively impacting me one way or another; I truly wouldn’t be here and wouldn’t be how I am without all of you shaping me and inspiring me.

To Chuah for the lunch treat and Joel for the supper treat and the presents, thank you both for jioing me I rly am q horrible at friendships and the only time I actually properly speak to both of you is when ya’ll bother to text me first and ask about me, so thank you for making me feel important in your lives.

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To Javier for being such a constant in my life, thank you for always going over the top (in a good way) when you celebrate my birthday, you truly make me feel special bcuz of all the time you invest into making the day great. Thank you for coming by my house at midnight and sneaking into my house, for the song and the board and the card and the video. Words cannot describe how grateful I am for you.

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To Choong and Ambrose, thank you for being 2 (out of 3) of the people that I can count on the most in Nanyang. Thanks for being my first 2 true friends and for making me feel like every time I talk to the both of you it’s a safe space. Thanks for all the times you’ve stood by me and cared for me. School would be a thousand times worse without the two of you. Thanks Choong for the toy and the card and the chocolates too! And for both of you for sacrificing your sleep to come to my house early in the morning.

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To nutsackz (and jun xun) for the flowers, the dreamcatcher, the cake smashing, the box and the reese. I honestly don’t know if the only reason you got me all that was because I kept shamelessly hinting that it was my birthday, but I’m grateful anyway. (If I hadn’t said anything would ya’ll still have gotten me all that probably not right hahaha oh well).

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To Brian, I truly didn’t expect anything from you haha so I’m especially grateful that you went out to buy me a cupcake and took time to record a video for me. An old photo bcuz you gave me my present while I was in class so no time haha.

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To Timo, you know how much you mean to me. Thank you for your Reese and your letter and the buffet. It was perfect for me because I know that’s how you love.

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To CGBT, although ya’ll probably forgot about my birthday (again only remembered bcuz of my hints hahaha) thanks for the dinner. It was awkward at times bcuz of how we have grown apart, but ya’ll have been and will always be a big part of my life and a big part of why I am who I am today. Especially thanks to xin hui for the card heh. You know how much you mean to me and how much I love ya although I don’t say it bcuz it’s so weird but thank you.

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Thank you to all the other people who wished me as well. I should feel loved and blessed and all I know I should and to a certain degree I do, but if I could do my birthday all over again this year, I don’t think I would tell anyone when my birthday was, to truly see how many people cared enough for me to wish me, and I’m pretty sure out of all the people I’ve thanked in this blogpost and the other people who wished me over text/twitter, half of these people wouldn’t have known. Sorry for souring so cynical and such, tonight isn’t a good night for me, and I guess I’m trying to really learn who is there for me, or rather who I want to be there for me and who is willing to be there for me as well.

6 months here already and I still don’t even feel like part of the school/like it is a place I would like. With all the flaws that Cedar has, I still managed to find something/someone worth staying there for/that made things bearable for me. Maybe it’s because I’ve always had a negative mindset from the start, but it seems like I truly can’t find anything that I can say I’m proud of or that I love in here. Maybe it was for the best that I wasn’t part of dance exco and clexco, and maybe I won’t be an ogl either; I just want to get out of here as soon as possible and try and rid myself of memories in this place. Not the friends made but simply being in the school itself (and if I were to be completely honest then some of the people here also). This time am really honestly feeling the dread of going to school, 1.5 more years and I will be out of here for good, am alr counting down the days, can’t wait to get out.

Thought we had put all of this petty fighting behind us long ago. It’s not anyone’s fault and definitely not my fault that you have trust/self-esteem issues, and I definitely haven’t done anything to aggravate you, so you have absolutely no valid reason for the way you’ve treated me (both in the past and present). I’m done with you though, completely done. I truly honestly don’t care about you anymore. I once thought that if you shared something special with a person no matter how long you haven’t talked or how bad the terms you left each other on you’d still somewhat care for the person, but I guess I was wrong. When someone has wronged you long enough to make you feel bitter I guess you only ‘care’ about the person because you use the person as a judgment to measure your life against and you hope that you are always doing better than the other person. I’m done though. Guess I’m going to have to be the bigger man again (what’s new). We shared some good memories, we had good fun, but I’m completely done with you and nothing you can say or do will make me change my mind. Maybe you’ll read this and cue your eye rolling again but I can’t be bothered with you anymore.

 

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