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Hello wordpress! I am back after one month of non blogging haha. Going to blog about things in order of date so excuse the inconsistent emotional up and downs of this post~

Just before school ended, the different excos were selected; nymc, clexco and dance. Disappointed doesn’t even begin to adequately describe how I felt on the last week of school. Holding multiple leadership positions in previous schools and constantly being told that that was an area I was strong at led me to believe that these positions would be relatively easily attainable. Coming from a ‘better’ school like Cedar also probably gave me the feeling that I had an edge over many people that were up for those positions as well, being chosen to be a leader in Cedar among so many other strong and capable candidates. Going to Nanyang and not fully understanding the way many other people think (this is putting it nicely ahahaha) and being ‘beaten’ by them for these leadership positions I coveted brought me to q a dark place, filled with insecurities and self pity ahaha. Maybe it’s a good thing, maybe it’s meant to be a humbling experience or something I don’t know but it still hurts so if you read this some how friends please don’t ask me about it~

June holidays started!!!!! Spent the first 2 weeks going out meeting friends and just doing everything but studying. It was definitely a good break, but you are right I am regretting it q a bit now given how I have only one more week left to study 3 subjects sob.

Clexco camp! Grew a lot closer to the class comm which I’m extremely extremely grateful for they are such joys and they make me happy and they are what made the camp bearable heh. Thanks to PYXIS too for making the camp fun 🙂

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I can’t rly remember in detail what else happened I just know I met #teamkaijieshutup a lot this holiday and I am very very very grateful for people who make my school day all day everyday. Thankful for people that I can relate to, for people I can talk to and for people who always make me laugh.

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Church Retreat 2014! Extremely thankful for this break away from school stuff and study, not rly away from all the drama though. Spent this retreat thinking mainly about my batch regarding it’s state and my position in it; constantly in a battle with myself on whether to give up on it entirely or to put in a lot more effort. Grateful for ben marcus timo bryan and jj for letting me crash them all the time so I have time away from my batch and for giving me advice heh.

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The past few months I’ve always had a nagging thought in my head and I finally managed to piece it together during camp. I’ve been doing a lot of actions hoping to encounter God through my christian ‘rituals’, i.e. God would be pleased and would bless me with His presence if I serve more or if I am nicer to people. And so have fallen into doing actions for Jesus without Jesus. It’s been something I’ve been struggling with for q a long time, and I am seriously debating whether to stop worship leading until I truly figure things out and can say with confidence that I am serving from an outpour. Have many questions regarding this like whether I’m supposed to be passive because God approaches you and whether there are things I can do and how to find God in the smallest things, but I’m slowly learning and picking myself and my faith back up, and I am actually pretty excited for what God has in store for me the next half of the year.

Going back to this because the past few days have reminded me of when you showed me these and when you sang one to me hehehhe. Sorry for always being a burden and for always being so clingy and there aren’t enough words to thank you for having always been by my side.

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