Seriously it does. And I predict it will continue to suck for the next 2 years. It is a hasty judgement I guess because I’ve only been in jc for what 3 weeks and I am predicting it will suck for the rest of the two years I have here; cue lame cheesy shit that I’ve been tired of hearing like ‘oh things will get better you just have to give it time’ or ‘be more positive I’m sure that you’ll enjoy it’ or sweeping claiming statements like ‘you’re steph how to be not be popz sia’ or ‘of course you have friends what are you talking about’.
First 4 days in JC were okay if not a bit sian because of all the sitting down we did. Had people like Choong and Ambrose and Jade and Samantha to get me through all the waiting and the pointless cheering and everything, and the first week of lectures where I had people like wallace and wesley as well. Was super super unwilling and reluctant to let these people go when we went into the classes, and very much dismayed and afraid because there wasn’t anyone from my OG going to my class. Entered my class and thought ‘okay la 4 other cedarians finding a friend shouldn’t be difficult at all’ but then of course they just had to be the quiet kind whom I have literally nothing in common with, and the rest of the girls save for two just had to be exactly like them. The other two girls became fast friends and as much as I try to join in I know they don’t rly even want me there and they want nothing more than to be rid of me but they are being sympathetic to me so they are letting me tag along like their little dog. The guys in my class are insanely sick, and the few that I actually managed to have a proper conversation with (i.e. no stupid sick jokes) have their own friends so perpetually alone in class hahahaha. Never realised the impact of loneliness on me and I rly wished I hadn’t because feeling alone is probably one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced mega sigh. Also everyday long day and stupid breaks don’t coincide with any of my OG people or Wallace or Wesley so that means I’m spending every single day with my classmates for the entire day and that means a whole day of loneliness in school and then walking home by myself too woohoo solitary life. To the people who will hate on me for whining about all this I seriously don’t care about you?? but you will probably ask me to suck it up and do something about it but wow do you think that never occurred to me to try and make friends hahaha but I guess I’m not very likeable bcuz no one wants to be my friend so I tried but I’m not good enough I guess. Insecurities always always come back a thousand times stronger when there is a change of environment and social circle. Work is slowly coming and it is so difficult that I want to cry like 24/7 but I can’t so hahaha. I foresee this might be one of the darkest times of my life (i honestly don’t know).
Everyday is full of shit and so lonely and I super look forward to night times but I guess that’s not even something to look forward to anymore since nights have been getting worse and worse is it something that I’m doing wrong to piss you off or to make you feel annoyed at me?? When you love someone you make yourself super vulnerable to that person so every action (though small in impact when someone else does it to you) hurts 10 fold coming from you. Not so much the being snapped at part, but more the part where I put in effort for you and it gets ‘rejected’, or the lack of support I was counting on. Apparently that lack of support is at home too bcuz when I have a bad day or when I’m feeling tired I’m not allowed to tell my family about it bcuz they will just scold me what.
Nanyang sucks. Get me out of here. Someone be my real friend please.