Today I have gan qing to blog and so I shall (wink wink jades!!) It’s been a roller coaster the past few weeks that no one, not even people closest to me know about but I think it’s time for me to come clean with what I have been feeling~ You can only overcome your problems by facing them.
The trip to Cambodia was exactly what it was to me last year. Everyone always tells tales of coming back from mission trips and being changed in some drastic way after having seen xxx things. After having gone on 2 mission trips I don’t understand this; seeing as the only other emotion that is different from when I left is the spirit of gratefulness for things that we take for granted. Uncle Ron came up to me during the trip and told me he was so glad that I went for the trip because apparently last year I told him I wouldn’t go back again. I think why I wanted to go back is to give it another chance and to see if there would be some divine encounter with God there which I’ve always heard about whenever people come back from their mission trips. Perhaps it is because I did not have the right mindset when I went to Cambodia, or maybe because it just wasn’t supposed to be, but I came back yesterday disappointed a second time. Maybe I should be more active instead of passive, seeking God by myself wherever whenever as opposed to waiting for Him to come and save me.
Reminder to self: “Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be open unto you.” Matthew 7:7; “You will seek me and find me if you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:13.
Nevertheless, it was a great trip (despite all of the sickness that plagued our little group); friends I wouldn’t trade for the world.
Just a few of my many pictures~~
Went to settlers cafe today to catch up with two of my best budz in lower sec today and what can I say but the company was as pleasant as ever, a few awkward silences here and there from not having talked for so long, but pleasant and calming and relaxing with much laughter. A great day if anything, despite not winning many games ahaha.
Recently been having many dreams and recurring thoughts about many things, but mainly centred around the great insecurity I have been feeling. For the past don’t know how many nights dreams (rather nightmares) of O’s results have been recurring and I am sincerely praying and hoping that they don’t mean anything and that they are nothing but mere dreams. Every night I will wake up in the middle of the night (or rather the middle of the morning) and be overwhelmed by the foreboding sense of dread for results day; I don’t have a back up school besides Raffles and I really don’t know how I’d react if I get anything less than the best. Feeling more and more insecure in my own abilities; things that I once considered myself to be good in I feel I can no longer consider, anything less than perfection is a failure. Been struggling with this for such a long time and continuing to gahhh. Also insecure in other things, even when you tell me not to be, because I always feel that I am not good enough for anyone and for anything. Also everyday increasingly missing Grace and missing you as well; things have been tough and I don’t want to burden people around me with my problems because in retrospect my problems are small compared to problems faced by people around. Nevertheless they are problems that I really do struggle with. Really hoping tomorrow’s camp will truly be a time of encountering God, because if there’s ever a time in my life that I really needed strength, comfort and solace it would be now. Also grateful for the holidays I’ll be going off to right after camp, maybe a break from everything just to think and to write will do me much good.
“Things that matter to you don’t have an expiration date.”