Now our hearts burn with a flame

Many weird things have happened over the week and more and more to think about everyday but the past few days the same 2 thoughts have been recurring in my head, and maybe it’s time to blog out all the emotions and park them aside for now so I can focus on studying and such.

Resultsssss came out a week ago? Or was it 2 aiya not important results came out and I have to say I am far from satisfied with the mediocre results I’ve gotten; they aren’t bad per se but they definitely aren’t good either, not very sure if the pressure I’m putting on myself and the class is putting on myself is a boon or a bane. Achieving an l1r5 of 11 to people outside may seem like something good; ‘Walao so smart still complain until like that for what sia!!’ you say when I told you my results, but to me they are unacceptable not good enough. Achieving an l1r5 of 11 when my class MSG is 9.3 and the level MSG is 12.5 is more disturbing than I can put in words, feeling exceedingly average and I cannot afford to be average I want to go to Raffles for goodness sake you can’t be average or mediocre in schools like that. How now brown cow maybe it is really time to take a step back and really consider other options besides Raffles because really with results like these what are the chances of getting into a school like that. Maybe it’s time to throw aside the complacency and the arrogance and accept the fact that maybe I will not get into Raffles, and closing my mind to the possibility of other jcs is a stupid thing to do. Maybe I will sit down and rethink everything in case I can’t get in. Gahh. That’s more thinking to do there. Meanwhile it is 27 days left to O’s and feeling grossly unprepared, also worried that teachers have been lenient in mark giving so much so that I’m doing well solely because they are lenient and maybe that won’t be the case for O’s. Gahhh 27 days left make it count. 

More recently I’ve been learning about friends/people around me who inflict self harm, of which of course I will not mention names to protect their identities, but this week alone I’ve heard and seen 4 people who cut themselves, and of course as any other person would be I am thoroughly disturbed. The scariest things is that these people are people that I definitely would never have expected to inflict pain on themselves, as cliche as it sounds they were really the happiest looking people with the huge group of friends, the ones who were constantly doing well in everything be it academics or sports. I will probably never and don’t understand why anyone would do something like that to themselves. Family problems or stress maybe but even then I’m sure you can find another outlet to release your pain and your anguish instead of on yourself; insecurities you say but then after you cut and after the scars become permanent aren’t the scars just a reminder of all your insecurities, and aren’t the scars something that’d make you even more insecure?? I don’t get it and I’m sorry I don’t empathise/sympathise with you guys at all. But for you and for you and for anyone who is reading this and who is cutting, don’t. Come talk to me and stuff okay I may not understand why you cut but I can tell you that I’m here for you to listen to you and to stop yourself from inflicting harm on yourself because no one deserves to have that pain inflicted on them by themselves. Please please don’t cut anymore please find help it kills to see the scars practically everyday.

Missing you a great deal more because of the new routine, the new setting, the new circumstances. Couldn’t have asked for a worst time for something like this to come but whatever ‘Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’. (A cliche just for you)

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