There have been many things that have happened over the past week and everyday always felt like I should blog and get all the emotions out of me but never got down to it because studying/sleeping haha so everything I have wanted to blog about will all be here. Also sorry to people who I promised I will write happier things too it is just not my style haha sorry but whatever I don’t blog for people to read.
Walking home that day was dreary and I almost sprinted home towards the end because I was deep in thought about Grace and I almost broke down so~ Was wallowing in all the thoughts and the regrets again sigh I really do miss her.
To grace who I miss the most in the entire world, I miss you buckets and truckloads, but I’m glad you are where you are; a better place that none of here could ever imagine. I think about you quite often still, wondering how you are and how you would have been if you had been here. I know it’s selfish and I’m sorry but I just wish you had stuck around a little longer even though you were in pain so that I could say my last words to you. I really wished that my last words to you weren’t “bye Grace take care see you again soon” but were “Grace you are and will continue being the bravest, strongest girl I have ever had the amazing opportunity to have met, and I thank God everyday for you. Thank you for blessing me so much with everything you have in you, and I’ll see you once again in heaven.” But what’s done has been done and what’s been said has been said (or rather what has not been said has not been said), but I trust you know how much you mean to me, and I trust you can look down now and laugh at me and scold me for crying so much haha. The pain and the regrets are all still present though, and I don’t think they will ever leave, but as of now I am fine with where I am, and I am fine with where you are, because I know where you are and I am secure in where I’m going after and that I will see you again. With that being said, I don’t think the grief and the sadness will ever leave, because I don’t believe time heals.
Prelims started on Wednesday and what to say except Cedar sets Cedar papers and Cedar papers are always killers. Would like to say I am fully surrendering and trusting God but I am not this is an area I struggle greatly with I cannot seem to let go of my studies I don’t know why either sigh 3.14159. It was a tiring day, as everyday has been since, well since I can remember (which is actually not very long because I take after my mom who has the memory of a goldfish. Fun fact a goldfish has a memory span of 8 seconds).
1. So incredibly (I cannot run away from this word it is imprinted in my vocabulary and comes out whenever I need an adjective) blessed to have a year, and like you said this mark was never certain. Have said most of what I need to say about this, so I shall not talk anymore about it. But I just want to say that it has been good, all of it, and looking forward to more.
Thursday was just chinese and studying nothing much.
Today was probably the worst day in my life (in terms of exams). SS in the morning was okay but I was rushing to finish the paper in the measly 1.5 hours they gave us haha ended up crapping all my SBQ but what is new I always crap it anyway. Hoping for the best but expecting the worst because I think all my points were all weak and not supported strongly enough but oh well. Emath Paper 1 next and the paper was so incredibly long (it was 2 hours) they should take some time from the Emath Paper and give it to the SS paper haha fell asleep for the last half an hour because I was tired and I was trying to hibernate the whole hall was freezing I swear it was I couldn’t feel my toes till half an hour after I left the hall. Sleeping was a mistake though because so many careless mistakes that I could have checked and corrected but whatever banking on my Paper 2 to pull me up hopefully I don’t sleep during the paper again haha. Was told by Meena that teachers were checking up on me because they thought I wasn’t okay because I was the only one sleeping in the whole hall ahahaha oops. O Level English Oral was SUCH A FLOP I really cannot express how badly I did in words it was that badddd. Extremely scared for O’s now 60+ days left only and I am far from prepared and people say I still have time BUT I HAVE NO MORE TIME LEFT I really need to buck up for example I should be studying now. I hate how I am very consumed by my results; to me failure is unacceptable. My mindset isn’t “Whatever the result, you did your best and that’s why you’re not a failure” but is “If you don’t do well you are a failure and when I mean well I mean A1 get an A1 you shit why are you not getting A1 you are not good enough you are not doing enough go do something about it.” Really hate that about myself sigh but what to do what to do what to do. Failure is unacceptable unacceptable unacceptable.
Tomorrow I am going to lead worship in church idk how I am going to do that because I am feeling a mix of emotions right now and my heart is all over the place hopefully serving and worshipping will help me to right myself in every single aspect to what is the most important and to where my priority should be. Also tomorrow is the mother’s birthday and I haven’t done anything for her oh no oops. Ohmy this post is so incredibly long I will stop here.
Oh wait one more thing I am listening to Oceans Will Part by Hillsong and I am in love with it mysterious readers go check it out heh 🙂