Mixed feelings

Today was an emotional mess of feelings from being happy to sad to insecure to alone to feeling incredibly blessed by friends to warmth to shock because of realisation then back to sadness. I think it is a miracle that I am still surviving now hahaha 10 claps for me!!!

Went to school feeling incredibly drained (what’s new) and feeling really screwed because of all the unfinished work I had left. Got my first ever E8 today for higher chinese hahaha that made me sad obviously who wants to fail let alone get an E8?!

Later on towards the day Kavi and I were sorting out the seating plan so I took a look at the list of people’s preferences to make sure none of them clashed. Felt like my heart broke seeing how many people (practically half the class) put my name under the column of ‘Don’t want to sit with’. I knew I was never close to any one really in class (with the exception of badmintoners and jadeee) but I never knew people disliked me so much until they didn’t even want to sit with me. Maybe I make a bit too much noise and that’s why people don’t want to sit next to me but it still hurts, the people who I considered my friends (not gonna name anyone here) putting my name under that column. All the while looking at the 18 names trying to figure out what I ever did to them to make them dislike me so much and I drew a blank guess it must just be my personality hahaha okay la not good enough k not funny enough not smart enough not _____ enough to be loved k I get it. Felt especially hurt because practically everyone who wrote my name down on the list has always been nice to me and treated me like a normal friend but to know how people really feel and it’s not positive towards you, that sucks.Got me wondering how many of my friends are really my friends how many tolerate me because the situation requires it to lol do I even have any real friends.

Called Colleen who is probably the closest friend of mine in Cedar to come talk to me and I ended up ranting out everything to her and crying and being a miserable mess hahaha at least I know I have one true friend in Cedar who sticks by me no matter what, knows my nonsense and still chooses to hang out with me haha if you are reading this colleen thank you very very very much.

Got home after a late day and checked my ask.fm (now I know why nobody asks me questions hahahaha) and saw some answers that people gave when I asked them to describe me nothing but warmth and love for these people, but generally feeling like a person that everyone can and probably will dislike hahaha pardon my low self esteem.

Has been 10 long/short weeks everyday feels like a freaking long time but looking back as a whole 10 weeks actually seems quite short haha. 2 more days to 11 and next month 12. Have felt nothing but blessed through all of it and for this I thank you you really don’t know how much you’ve helped me and how much you mean to me.

And now it is 1130 thinking about the events that have happened today and feeling an incredible sense of insecurity and feeling blessed for the few true friends I know I have because I know I have at least 3 people who genuinely love me and who I genuinely love who will always be there for me and who I will always be there for. Goodnight.

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