life

Scrolling through my blog (listening to some amazing music) and strongly disliking my urges to blog a lot because they all come out in one word emo blog posts. Strongly disliking it so here is a longish post about what has been happening in my life~

Today was an utter mess I completely broke down practically the entire day I swear the tears only stopped for 10 minutes before they would pour again don’t think I’ve felt so miserable since 23/10/2012 but thankfully (ha!) this miserable feeling was due to a different reason had it been the same I don’t know if I’d still be able to blog now hahaha.

2 years ago a really really close friend of mine was diagnosed with colon cancer and it was painful to see her in such pain, going through many many surgeries, and not being able to do anything but pray and visit her constantly with a smile on my face. (Not saying that prayer isn’t effective!) 2 years later and it has gotten worse she’s at stage 4 now (which is the last stage) and it has spread to her back and to her lungs; she constantly goes by with sleepless nights, and she is always coughing because of her chest infection. Watching her in this state is absolutely heart wrenching, and I guess as people keep bringing it up I get more and more worried, finding it difficult many a time to trust in His plan for her. All a while though for the past 2 years I have been worried, but never to this extent, only yesterday did everything hit me, and I  guess it was just not possible not to break down. Feelings carried forward to do today; one of the main contributors to my break down and emotional wreck of a day.

Just this year also discovered my granddad has pancreatic cancer, and it was a particular blow to me because he was always someone I looked up to in terms of character. He has always been a strong man, refusing to show any signs of weakness and it is something I admire a lot. Seeing him in crumble in pain made me feel like crying in pain, and the unshed tears in his eyes made me cry those tears for him. It hurts to have 2 people getting slowly taken away by the same thing, and it definitely hasn’t been easy being strong.

Brother hospitalized (for the nth time) because of dengue and it got me really worried because in many ways my brother is like my granddad. He almost never falls sick, and when he does he recovers within two days. Seeing him weak yet invulnerable broke me. To find out he had dengue was a blow because I almost lost my mom to that many years ago. Visiting him in the hospital helped a lot though, at least I know he’s getting better, and he’s still smiling and joking around.

All in all, these things that have happened have managed to tear down my walls and I just broke down for so long, and everytime I thought I had cried enough I started to cry again. I’m glad that no one saw me like that today though, I’m not ready to be open and vulnerable to anyone, well all but one. Hoping and praying for the best for all of them though, trusting in Him because His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts my thoughts (Isaiah 55:9).

16 more days to go I have prepared myself I am ready for this bring ittttttt

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