Up, up.

What do I stand for? What do I stand for? Most nights, I don’t know anymore

Besides the autotune, I pretty much love this song heh.

I realise I always have the urge to blog when I read other peoples blogs. So after stalking Jade and Si Yi here I am haha. It’s been a crazy week, just like how every week is starting to seem like a crazy week. Each week I’m realising more and more how much of a wreck I am and how unstable and insecure I am. Even the simplest things such as math can reduce me to tears. I need to work 0n being emotionally stable it is something that I’m not good at (not to mention a whole list of other things). School has been frustrating as usual, what with all the work to be done and all the procrastination I’ve been doing.

13 days to the start of EOYs but I’m surprisingly not feeling any panic or stress right now, which is bad because I have not started studying any of my 76 topics. Before I sleep I constantly try to think of why I’m studying (so hard) for? In the end do my grades really matter? What really is the true purpose of life it has to be more than just excelling in everything. These are (superficial) questions that I struggle with everyday and it is just one of the many things that are keeping me awake late at night. 13 more days to the start and I am grossly unprepared and disturbingly okay with it. I need to buck up I cannot fail I cannot let myself feel like any more of a failure. I cannot. 

For the past few days, weeks rather, I’ve been thinking about the future and I realise I’m absolutely terrified of what is going to happen. I hate not being certain of what is going to happen and what this could mean. I’m absolutely terrified that we will break because of me. So many unanswered questions that I’m too afraid to ask because I don’t want to know the answers. I don’t want to know what’s going to happen if it’s not going to be good hahaha in all matters concerning this I am really a wreck I need to get myself comfortably settled with this before we can go anywhere more. I need to secure myself in this I need to assure myself this is right I need to be emotionally strong. I’m sorry I’m not good enough and not strong enough for the both of us I really am sorry.

I realise the things that I post here are either emo or repetitive I’m sorry to my mystery viewers (pls pls reveal yourselves I am forever creeped out by fluctuating views). I’ve been stalking myself for the past couple of days I don’t understand why anyone at all would want to read my blog it’s just full of depressing nonsense typed hurriedly by a 15 year old immature kid whose thoughts are as shallow as the baby pool that is constantly mocked and ridiculed. Sigh I need to grow up I hate feeling immature and superficial and naive.

And finally to end of this very long post (is anyone still reading haha thank you if you still are!) I’m going to post what I’ve written for the stupid creative writing course that I’m actually quite proud of. Don’t take it literally though it isn’t really just about a man climbing a cliff or something if you do get the meaning behind this come and tell me heh.

He climbed furiously, his hands and feet groping for firm land. Higher and higher he went, never once glancing down at the mess he had hurriedly left behind. His hands and feet moved faster still, fueled by guilt, anger and shame that crept up behind him, slowly but steadily. He ached all over, he was bruised and broken but he kept heading up, not daring to stop. He never wanted to go through all the pain again, not again. Up, up. He kept moving, where was the end? Was he near it? Would the end come at all? He glanced up, hands and feet still pawing for land. Up, up. His breath was short and his hands were numb. He could imagine himself falling, back into the mess he had left behind, back to the pain and the torture. No. He wouldn’t allow that. Up, up. Keep going, don’t stop. Where was the end? When would all the torment and the suffering cease? Exhausted, he took a deep breath and closed his eyes, just as he reached the top.

:’)

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